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Police: Optical illusions

Written by RSS Poster PC Bobby McPeel

I have been reading about of some new schemes a initiatives to be introduced by PCC’s to increase police visibility. At first glance they seem like a sensible approach. If it looks like there are more police on the streets, the public will feel safer and it may act as a deterrent to ne’er-do-wells. However, when you scratch the surface and look at what these ideas really mean and why they are being considered, it becomes apparent that our police resources are stretched to breaking point and every effort is being made to divert the public gaze away from this.

I have encountered two examples of these crazy innovations in the last week. The PCC for Staffordshire wants to put police livery on unmarked cars to give greater police visibility, and give the impression that there are more police vehicles in circulation, and therefore more police officers available to the public.

http://www.expressandstar.com/news/2012/11/22/staffordshire-chief-unmarked-police-cars-must-be-painted/

This is a ridiculous idea for all sorts of reasons. Firstly, the fleet...

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Police: The great escape…and return

Written by RSS Poster PC Bobby McPeel

A few weeks ago I left Twitter and closed my blog quite suddenly. I had my reasons, but did not want to disclose them in public at the time. I am very grateful for the support and kind comments that some of you sent, and I’m sorry I couldn’t respond to them all, or give a satisfactory explanation at the time. There were three main reasons why I made this decision:

Reason 1: I WAS BEING CONSUMED BY A MONSTER
I found that tweeting and blogging started to consume my life and dominate my thoughts. When I started on the process, I intended my main focus to be my blogs, using twitter as a method to engage with people and point them in that direction. However, I seem to become completely absorbed in a strange virtual world, where I gained hundreds of followers, and my ego swelled to ridiculous proportions. I needed a reality check and to have my phone surgically removed from my hand.
A good twitter friend described Social Media as being like a drug. This is very true, and I think I was on the verge of a dangerous addiction! I’ve broken...

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Police: It’s the little things

Written by RSS Poster PC Bobby McPeel

It is very easy to slip into a negative mindset and become pessimistic about being a police officer, especially at the moment when morale is in short supply. The job can wear you down, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually, and I find it helpful to remind myself why I love my job. There are the many deep and meaningful reasons such as standing up for the weak and vulnerable, being an ambassador for honesty and integrity, and serving the public by maintaining law and order. These are all noble and important, but I want to share with you some of the little things that make me smile and get me through a shift.

In no particular order…..

Putting the blues and twos on and watching the rush hour traffic parting – like that scene from Bruce Almighty

Waving back at little kids who wave at the police car

Hearing the whirring of the helicopter when you’re out of options

Watching drunk people walking home and trying not to fall over

Banter with team mates during briefing

The look on someone’s face when they’ve told you a string of...

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Police: Trivial Pursuit

Written by RSS Poster PC Bobby McPeel


DRIZZLESHIRE CONSTABULARY DRIVING SCHOOL

“I feel the need. The need for speed!”

Driving is an important part of policing and at Drizzleshire Constabulary driving school we recognise that officers must be trained to the lowest level to fall below the standards expected by the public and required by law. Emergency responders have complete protection under driving legislation that allows them to throw caution to the wind and step on the gas, with little or no regard for anyone else. Incompetence and speed are a potent combination, and we try to teach both.

Standard Response Dangerous driving Course

The aim of this course is to provide you with the basic skills needed for recklessly travelling from one destination to another, as fast as possible, without any regard for public safety. You may already think you are a bad driver, but our partially qualified and inexperienced instructors will take you back to basics and using “the system”, will lower your driving standards.

Course breakdown:
Week 1: Near misses, ignoring hazards, skidding
Week 2:...

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Police: Bargain basement policing

Written by RSS Poster PC Bobby McPeel

I read an article in the Telegraph yesterday about the use of volunteers and special constables to make up for shortfalls in police officer numbers.

Telegraph article: Police cuts mean more specials and volunteers, chief signals

It got me thinking…

Generally in life you get what you pay for. This notion that special constables and volunteers can fill the gap left by falling numbers of regular officers, is complete nonsense.

Don’t misunderstand me. I think specials are great and I work with plenty who are enthusiastic, committed and genuine. I admire their motivation to do the job for free! I know many excellent officers who started out as specials. Being a special is also a good introduction to policing and a chance to gain some insight before launching into a unique and demanding vocation. It’s not for everyone!

However, you cannot make up for lack of police numbers with specials. The government are sending out a mixed message and contradicting their own policies. (Hard to believe, I know!). They roll out their illogical and tiresome...

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Police: Backwards to the future

Written by RSS Poster PC Bobby McPeel

BACKWARDS TO THE FUTURE – A SCIENTIFIC(ISH) EXPERIMENT

Aim: To explore the effect of the Winsor Report on police numbers

Introduction: The police service of England and Wales is in the midst of the most comprehensive dismantling since it was established in 1829 by Sir Robert Peel. One of the architects of this destruction (although it’s more likely that he has only been employed to be the government’s puppet) is Tom Winsor. His 2 part report has thrust a dagger deep into the beating heart of policing and will cause irreparable damage to Her Majesty’s Constabularies. This experiment will examine the effect of some aspects of this report on police numbers

Method: Using a sample group of 100 police officers, each relevant aspect of the Winsor report will be applied to its logical conclusion. In addition, staff losses from the team for other policing reasons will be added to the equation; i.e. court, courses etc. Using basic subtraction calculations, the officers affected by these changes will be removed, giving a final number of officers...

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Police: I’m so excited, I just can’t hide it!

Written by RSS Poster PC Bobby McPeel

DRIZZLESHIRE CONSTABULARY INTERNAL MEMO

FROM: FROM THE CHIEF CONSTABLE

TO: ALL SENIOR OFFICERS

SUBJECT: EXCITING TIMES

Dear colleagues,

Last week the Home Secretary Theresa May announced that “these are exciting times for policing”. This mandate is clearly going to have a significant impact on our officers, who until now have been suffering under the weight of low morale.

In response to this, my team and I have been in consultation with various departments to facilitate the smooth transition from widespread depression to elation, and have put contingencies in place. This process needs to be managed carefully to prevent officers spiralling into a frenzy of ecstasy, and we have therefore carried out detailed risk assessments and identified potential hazards and solutions.

A high risk period for the organisation is the end of the month, more specifically pay day. We anticipate heightened levels of enthusiasm, followed by outbreaks of joy and rapture at the sight of payslips. Officers need to be carefully...

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Police: Bolt from the blue

Written by RSS Poster PC Bobby McPeel

I have recently been inspired by some gritty and hard-hitting blogs about police work and wanted to throw my contribution into the mix. This is a departure from my usual comedy blog style, so please don’t expect to be chuckling as you read this. This incident occurred some years ago and I feel that it is now safe to talk about without identifying who, or where I am.

I have dealt with thousands and thousands of incidents during my service but some jobs are wedged permanently in my memory. Unfortunately they tend to be the most horrific and upsetting. This one is no exception….

It was a winter early turn and I was feeling typically blurry eyed and half asleep. I sat down in the briefing room, mug of tea in hand, as the rest of the team took their seats with the usual start-of- shift banter. This jovial atmosphere was soon broken by a chorus of radios asking for a unit to attend the town shopping area, where security guards had found a male lying unconscious on the floor.

I was reluctant to leave my soothing mug of tea and the warm police station,...

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Police: Get out of jail free

Written by RSS Poster PC Bobby McPeel

POLICE ENCOUNTERS: FIELD SURVIVAL GUIDE

Encounters with police can be daunting. They are experts at interfering in people’s lives, sticking their shiny size nines where they don’t belong and upsetting innocent people for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

In the unfortunate event that you cross paths with these professional harassers, we have produced this pocket survival guide for quick reference. The information contained in this document will undoubtedly get you out of trouble. These methods are tried and tested and will leave any police officer dumbfounded and wrong-footed. We have chosen the three most common scenarios and provided foolproof solutions to each one.

STOPPED WHILST DRIVING

Problem: You are stopped by the police whilst driving your car and the officer mysteriously decides to give you a ticket for a minor traffic offence

Solution: Use the phrase “haven’t you got anything better to do?” A thoughtful look will cross the officer’s face, followed by a glint of realisation in his eyes. He will thank you for pointing this out and...

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Police: A pleb poem

Written by RSS Poster PC Bobby McPeel

There once was a man called Dave
Whose chief whip couldn’t behave
One day on his bike
He took a dislike
To a pleb who he thought was his slave!






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Emergency Shorts:
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