Drizzleshire Constabulary Superintendent recruitment – “The parachute scheme”

Position: Police Superintendent

Salary: Significantly more than £19k

Desired qualities:

- The ability to gain 20 years worth of operational policing experience from a 15 month training course.

- No understanding of the complex requirements of your local community, nor how to provide round-the-clock policing.

- Experience in wielding the axe of redundancy when budgets don’t cover officer salaries.

- Outstanding delegation skills for situations where you don’t have a clue what to do.

- A complete lack of comprehension of, and insensitivity to the life changing situations the officers under your command deal with on a daily basis.

- A ‘can do’ attitude towards the reforms and agendas implemented by those in power.

- A proven track record of business management that is not compatible with policing or public sector priorities.

We will Provide:

- A cosy office within walking distance of the HQ canteen and far removed from the reality of...

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Blue flashing lights and sirens on an emergency vehicles often cause other drivers to do strange and crazy things. Over the years I have developed my own classification system for different drivers.
 

THE KERB CRUNCHER

Upon seeing blue lights in their rear view mirror, this driver mounts the kerb or verge, regardless of the capability of their vehicle for off-road pursuits, and often to the horror of a passing pedestrian.

THE TWITCHER

This driver pootles along without a care in the world until a big noisy police car appears from behind them. This will result in a ‘twitch of recognition’ which essentially is a reflex action involving a sharp turn of the steering wheel to the left, combined with the application of the brakes, causing the car to come to an abrupt halt. Often accompanied with a look of panic or shock.

THE DRIFTER

A motorist who neither stops to pull over, nor maintains a reasonable speed. These are the most awkward and infuriating to pass because they gradually slow down, or ease off the gas a little and drift into a crawl, usually...

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Following on from a something I tweeted earlier this week I thought I’d write my own piece of case law.

Criminal damage to a snowman does not constitute a criminal offence.

Definition of criminal damage: S1 Criminal Damage Act 1971. A person who without lawful excuse damages any property belonging to another intending to destroy any such property or being reckless as to whether any such property would be damaged or destroyed shall be guilty of an offence. Property is “of a tangible nature, whether real or personal”

Snow is a naturally occurring substance that falls to settle indiscriminately on the ground with very little warning. It is not a permanent substance and exists solely based on the prevailing weather conditions and environment. An individual has no control over its arrival or departure. It has no intrinsic monetary value and unlike other forms of water (liquid or ice) that can be bought as a utility or commodity, naturally occurring snow is not marketable, nor is a snowman that is built for recreational purposes.

An individual...

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In my first week as a probationer police officer fresh out of training school, I was keen as mustard to get my first arrest. My tutor made it his mission to help me achieve this, and we spent the first ten minutes of every shift trawling through the arrest packages and warrants to find something suitable.

One the way to one such arrest enquiry, I called on the radio to inform our control room where we were going and what we were doing, just in case it went a bit bendy when we arrived. I was still getting used to talking on the radio, which is quite an alien experience at first. It should be just like talking to someone on the phone, but when I first started pressing that button and opening my mouth, I was acutely aware that everyone in the division was listening, and therefore slightly nervous. For the first few weeks, and were possible, I would mentally rehearse what I was going to say, before broadcasting it to the world.

Here is how the conversation went just prior to arriving at our destination on this wintery morning:

Me: “Control from X-ray 778...

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A significant proportion of my time as a police officer is spent working in dangerous places. I’m not referring to wrestling with knife-wielding maniacs, pursuing armed robbers or intercepting terrorists. I am talking about working on fast roads.

This is probably the most dangerous working environment for most officers. More police officers die every year working on the roads, than by any other means. Every time I step out of my car to deal with an incident on of these roads I am acutely aware of hundreds of lethal weapons hurtling in my direction at 70mph or more. One wrong move or loss of concentration from a driver and I could meet my maker.

This was brought home in dramatic fashion one night last year when it could all have ended very badly for me and my colleague:

A high number of incidents on the roads involve keeping broken down motorists safe. I deal with one of these at least once in every set of shifts and this one was no different. This vehicle had broken down on a blind left hand bend, on an unlit dual carriageway in the middle of...

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The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 4,900 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 8 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

MERRY CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my readers!

Thank you for visiting and reading my blog over the last few months. I’ve really enjoyed writing my blog and meeting new people through twitter. I’ve got lots of ideas for blogs in the new year, so watch this space!

If you’re working, stay safe.

If you’re out partying, don’t drink too much.

If you’re off work, don’t eat too much.

If you’ve got young kids, good luck!

Whenever you are, don’t forget the reason for the season!

B McP

The police seem to be ever present in the headlines, mostly for the wrong reasons with stories of brutality, corruption, greed and dishonesty. Some of these scandals are self inflicted and the media understandably grab hold of them and squeeze them for all they’re worth. Other stories however are misrepresented and the police service can take a pounding in the press on the basis of a half truth. There is a place for publishing and broadcasting the negative headlines, and the public should be informed about these issues, but there seems to be very little coverage of the positive aspects of policing.

The papers and television are dominated by negative headlines about policing because they make for interesting news. As human beings we seem to have an inbuilt and morbid fascination with the misery and misfortune of others and seeing institutions brought low, so I suppose it is understandable. However, I don’t think this is reflective of what the public at large think about the police. Most people I meet are supportive of the police and don’t want to...

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I am Christian and a Police Officer. Some would say those two things are incompatible and you can’t have one without compromising the other. Many people would expect a Christian to “turn the other cheek” and not use physical force to achieve something, especially lethal force. They may also have an image of Christians being weak, ineffectual and irrelevant. Others may have a preconceived notion that all Christians are hypocrites, prejudiced or bigoted. These would not be conducive to being an effective police officer, but many of these attitudes come from a misunderstanding of the Bible and what it really means to be a Christian, or from negative experiences of Christianity and the Church.

In many respects being a Christian in the police is the best place to be to put my faith into practice. I cannot think of any aspect of my work as a police officer that cannot be enhanced by my faith. As a Christian I am called to help those in need, the forgotten, helpless, weak, lost and vulnerable, those without a voice, those who have fallen into...

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THE OFFICE OF THE POLICE AND CRIME COMISSIONER FOR DRIZZLESHIRE

Dear Chief Constable,

Following my appointment as Police and Crime Commissioner in November, I been working closely with the think tank ‘Lunacy Exchange’ who have completed a period of consultation with the public to determine the strategic policing priorities for Drizzleshire for 2013.

The results of this research have been published and there are several recommendations that I would like to implement over the coming months. My staff and I have produced a breakdown of where I believe resources should be allocated to tackle the areas of significant crime, and provide reassurance to the public of Drizzleshire

1) Dog poo
This came out as the top priority amongst those surveyed. It is unsightly and smelly, not to mention the untold heartache it causes when unsuspecting citizens trample it into their cream carpets.

Recommendations:
Produce “Most wanted” posters of the prolific pesky pooches for distribution and a media campaign entitled “HOUND OUT THE DOG...

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