THE OFFICE OF THE POLICE AND CRIME COMISSIONER FOR DRIZZLESHIRE
Dear Chief Constable,
Following my appointment as Police and Crime Commissioner in November, I been working closely with the think tank â€˜Lunacy Exchangeâ€™ who have completed a period of consultation with the public to determine the strategic policing priorities for Drizzleshire for 2013.
The results of this research have been published and there are several recommendations that I would like to implement over the coming months. My staff and I have produced a breakdown of where I believe resources should be allocated to tackle the areas of significant crime, and provide reassurance to the public of Drizzleshire
1) Dog poo
This came out as the top priority amongst those surveyed. It is unsightly and smelly, not to mention the untold heartache it causes when unsuspecting citizens trample it into their cream carpets.
Produce â€œMost wantedâ€ posters of the prolific pesky pooches for distribution and a media campaign entitled â€œHOUND OUT THE DOG MESSâ€
Establish a specialist task force: â€œCoordinated Response Against Pooâ€ (C.R.A.P.) to deal specifically with this problem
Establish citizen action groups in each neighbourhood. Members of the public will be trained by the C.R.A.P. team to intervene if they witness pavement fouling.
Intelligence unit to liaise with other forces to create the National Doggy Doo-Doo Database and enable detailed profiling.
2) Inconsiderate parking
An abhorrent and selfish act that blights communities across the county. This is especially troublesome in areas where there is a high concentration of 4X4â€™s, ferrying children to and from school.
Increase fixed penalty notice charges for obstruction by 500%. These funds can be used to pay outsourcing contracts.
Take advantage of existing community payback schemes by using convicted car thieves to remove offending vehicles.
Utilise existing skill base on Special Branch and Major Crime teams to investigate persistent parking pests
Seize these cars, cover them in Police livery and put blue lights on the top. Park them in strategic locations to increase police visibility and deter criminals.
3) Nuisance youths
This section of our demographic hang around in groups on street corners, skulk around after dark, kick footballs near cars and generally make the place look untidy.
Employ an accredited Pied-Piper to lead all the youths away to a secret underground storage facility in the next county.
Divert resources from the covert surveillance and undercover units to infiltrate and monitor these dangerous gangs of â€œhoodiesâ€.
Pioneer the use of new Anti Social Behaviour Legislation, restricting groups of youths in a public place to one or less.
Work with the Drizzleshire County Council to construct soundproof warehouses in remote locations where â€œyoofsâ€ can perform their tomfoolery and skulduggery.
I trust that you will find these recommendations suitable and I look forward to working closely with you over the coming months to monitor the progress of these initiatives, and review the security of your job.
J R Hartley
PCC for Drizzleshire.